The gift of cancer
The C word, cancer, carries with it so much fear and grief. Most of us can say we’ve been touched by cancer in some way. A friend, a colleague, a family member who has survived or passed away from a cancer diagnosis. I knew when I was diagnosed that this wouldn’t kill me. Maybe it’s that I know some incredible survivors or maybe it was how encouraging my doctors were regarding my prognosis but I never felt this was the end, I knew that instead cancer was a battle I would not lose. What I didn’t know was what this diagnosis would teach me.
I have long considered myself a caregiver and empathetic person, sometimes to the point of my own detriment. What I am learning is I have often used being a caregiver as a way to keep people at arms length. It felt like I had some control and didn’t have to expose my flaws if they needed me more. For me, this cancer diagnoses stripped away my ability to hold people at arms length. Cancer put me in a position where I needed others more than ever. It made me feel vulnerable and weak, physically and mentally. But from that weakness came a beautiful opportunity for growth. A gift to learn how to receive. Learning how to receive felt strange and uncomfortable but what it brought to light was how loved I am. In learning to receive I was reminded that the community I choose to surround myself with is a great one. Filled with love, support, encouragement and generosity. All traits I value and strive to uphold in my own life. It allowed me to see that by being vulnerable I was actually able to grow closer to friends, family and others within my support network.
The big C word has also showed me how judgmental I am of myself. Having cancer has allowed me to learn, thru a lot of life coaching, that the negative feelings I experience around being a cancer patient don’t have to define me. I can still feel angry, resentful, and mad but that doesn’t define who I am as a person or even who I am as a cancer patient. I can still choose to allow myself without judgement to feel those things and be an optimistic person.
While cancer is still a horrible diagnosis, I am grateful for the gift of learning it brought to my life. For the opportunity to grow within myself. My goal in all this is to be able to use what I have learned to help others as well as to continue to grow closer with the people around me.