The question on everyone’s mind, hair?

I have wanted to write about the topic of hair since the day I found out I would lose mine, but never could quite get the message I wanted to convey out. My recent first haircut post chemo brought the perfect full circle moment and finally gave me the words I was looking for. 

Hair is such a huge part of our identity, it is cultural, it is a gendered aspect of our appearance and it often reflects our personality. Typically one of the first thing we notice about others is their hair. It can be changed and shaped or styled to reflect our mood. We consciously and unconsciously interact with it throughout our day on a daily basis. Connection with our hair is ingrained in us, whether we like it or not, hair is kind of a big deal. 

The first question most people had when I told them I was going to be doing chemo was “will you lose your hair?” to be honest it was one of the first questions I had as well. In all this chaos hair was tangible, and in my case I would lose it. Knowing I was going to lose my hair didn’t feel as upsetting as I had imagined it would. However, I did start to become increasingly aware of how much I interacted with my hair. With year old babies I was always putting it up in a ponytail or gently prying it from the clutches of a tiny hand. To keep the twins entertained during diaper changes I would often dangle my hair in front of them and then pull it back which always resulted in at least one giggle. One day I was suddenly struck with the sadness of realizing by the time my hair was long enough to play this silly game my girls would be too big to find it funny and that was a hard reality. 

The next question was always “are you going to get a wig?”. Once again our community was right there with support, I had a few people offer to buy me a wig. Fun fact you can actually have a wig made out of your own hair. You go in before you start chemo and they shave it off and make you a wig. While this was such a kind offer, the thought of having to put my own hair on just made me too sad, I knew it wouldn’t feel right and let’s be honest no way a wig was going to stay on with twinado around! Luckily for me shaved heads have become very trendy. Plus I had chemo during the summer, it really helped with temperature regulation which was a constant battle throughout my treatments. When I wanted to feel put together I wore one of the beautiful silk scarves gifted to me by friends, family and my husband, that felt right. 

So why am I writing about hair if it really didn’t seem like a huge deal for me? What I didn’t expect was how hard it would be to have my hair grow back. I shaved my head just before my second round of chemo because the waiting for it to fall out was giving me anxiety. The day after that second round, my hair started to come out by the handful. It didn’t hurt but I could gently pull on it and tuffs would come out. Or run my hand across it and have a palm full of hair. But I was sick. I felt horrible and not having hair felt like my identity matched how I felt. Somehow being bald was the thing that made the whole situation feel more real, like some strange cancer badge of honor. Again I think because it was tangible, an outward reflection of how I was feeling inside. The end of active treatment brought with it a finality. My new reality, that while active treatment, the hard part, was over the journey of survivorship was just beginning. Figuring out this new identity and what it meant. I watched my hair grow back and felt like it no longer matched how I was feeling. Instead it just made me feel like it needed an explanation for why I had such a bad hairstyle. 

On the sides of your head the hair typically grows faster than the top. Which has certainly been the case for me. As Greg in jest pointed out, I was starting to look a bit rag-a-muffin, which is what I always tell him when he needs a haircut. If you know me, you have likely heard my recent (in the last 3 years) woes about not having a go to hairdresser for a mix of reasons. I felt like I was at this weird hair stage where it was too long to have Greg just buzz it to clean it up….but not long enough to actually do anything with it….After a salon recommendation from my sister in law and a bit of social media sleuthing I made an appointment. I explained in the booking notes that this was my first haircut post chemo and I wasn’t entirely sure there was a lot they could do but that I was in desperate need of a trim. 

I went into the appointment with very low expectations. From the second I met Christopher he could not have been more warm and inviting. He is full of life and kindness, he made the experience everything I never knew I needed. Before even touching my hair he took the time to ask me how I felt emotionally about my first haircut! Something I really hadn’t thought about. He was careful and thoughtful in execution and for the first time in a long time I saw myself looking back at me in that mirror. I felt pretty and dare I say it, normal. The real joy came from the kindness this hairdresser showed me, so unexpected and yet so human. During this time of isolation, my cancer diagnosis, has brought me so many genuinely beautiful human moments. Gentle reminders of connection and good in the world. As Christopher said to me “It is all just grow out from here”.