Halfway there
It has been awhile since I have written, it’s been hard to know what to say. I find that I tend to be a painfully optimistic person, which like many traits has its advantages and its faults. Thru all of this I have always kept in mind that I do not want to be a victim. Sometimes bad things happen and it’s what we learn from those bad things that help us grow, like fertilizer. I have been lucky enough to have a lot of silver linings in my battle with cancer so I am going to make this post into a positive, negative, sandwich because I think along with finding the good, it is still important to acknowledge that this hard.
Myself, Greg and the girls (even though they don’t know it yet) have been so incredibly supported and loved by our community. Thank you does not even begin to express how grateful our hearts are for everything. Huge thank you to my parents along with my brother, my mother in law, sister in law her family and our dear friend Leda for helping take care of the girls. We have never once had to worry about child care so I could rest, or how I would get to an appointment if Greg was working. Another huge thank you to the countless families who have sent meals, gift cards for meals so we haven’t had to worry about what is for dinner. Our fridge has been stocked with food and I am eternally grateful and looking forward to the day when I am feeling like cooking again and can pay it forward. I also need to say thank you to everyone who has sent flowers and thoughtful gifts! My house has been filled with so much joy and cheer from such beautiful bouquets. For all the support near and far, boy we would not have been able to get thru this so seamlessly without you all. Throughout this process I have seen in many places the statement “no one fights alone” and I can say without a shadow of a doubt, I have never felt alone in this.
Chemo is hard. It is mentally, emotionally and physically debilitating. It can be hard not to go down a rabbit hole of feeling angry and resentful when you are dealing with nausea and unrelenting exhaustion. Not to mention all the other fun side effects you don’t think of like bone pain, mouth sores, mouth tasting weird, heart burn, headaches, dry eyes that feel like sand paper, and oh ya losing all your hair. Which fun story you really do need your nose hair, it keeps a lot of fluid from not just pouring out of your nose every time you lean over. Mentally and emotionally it’s hard to feel like I am giving up being a mom because many days I am too exhausted to be with my girls (thank you again to all our family caregivers). I have also started having stress dreams about chemo sessions and insomnia, as I write this it’s currently 2:30am. There is just sometimes no way to put a positive spin on being sick for a week and then the dread of knowing as soon as you feel better they will hit you again. That being said there are good days and I cherish those good days and focus on the fact that this is all just temporary. It too will pass.
At this point I am halfway done with my treatments! As my dear friend Catherine, this treatment’s chemo buddy, said “you only have 4 more! And 4 feels a lot better than 8!” Not only do I only have 4 more but this was my last “hard stuff” treatment! I did 4 rounds of AC chemo which is the more brutal of the two chemo regimes I will receive. My oncologist said she is impressed with how well I have tolerated my treatments this far. She has assured me she feels confident that while it’s still chemo my next 4 rounds should be easier. So that feels really good. I know I am strong enough to make it thru 4 so I know I can make it thru 4 more! I still have 4-6 weeks of radiation ahead but I am assured that treatments will get easier now. We are looking forward to the day we can look back on this and say remember when I beat cancer!